A Fantasy Player

In my defense, I like doing these things, it's fun. If I were a hockey player...

Team: Initially, I thought the Leafs, but I realised I'd be taking time from Kaberlabe so I couldn't do that. Then I thought Detroit, but then I'd just make Chris Chelios look bad. Then I thought Minnesota because of the funky jerseys. So Minnesota it is.

Number: 21, mainly because it's my birthday (the 21st). If not 21, then 23 to give the 23 conspiracy theorists something else to rave about.

Position: Defenseman, left-sided.

Nickname: Be. Long story.

Playing in Front of Me: Marian Gaborik, for obvious reasons. Pavol Demitra, ditto. Derek Boogaard, because the Boogeyman is a ridiculously good fighter. Branko Radovojevic, as the more Slovakians the better. And Niklas Backstrom, for coming into the league as an old rookie and actually kicking ass.

Job: Being the yin to the Boogeyman's yin. Every time our pairing gets on the ice, the Wild plays Dogs of War. I requested "SexyBack", because I do bring the sexy back, but apparently Rick Nash claimed that. What a pansy.

Signature Move: A showy shootout move, better known as "OH MALIK WENT BETWEEN HIS LEGS" to the more dirty-minded.

Strengths: Godlike checking and hitting and fighting skills, a decent slapshot and surprising speed.

Weaknesses: No finesse whatsoever. Repetoire consists of hitting and little else (but what else is even needed, mirite?)

Injury Problems? None, I am to make Karlis Skrastins cry his little Latvian eyes out when I shatter his game-streak-record, and possibly his kneecaps as well.

Equipment: If the league didn't make me wear a helmet, I wouldn't. If the league didn't make me wear pads, I wouldn't. Hell, I would be happy wearing pants and a pair of skates, I would be the studliest player going as I broke bones and hearts in equal measure (usually both at once).

Nemesis: Rick Nash, the very epitome of a crease faggot (term copyright R. Perry 2006)

Scandal Involvement:...just read on.

Who I’d Face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Toronto, naturally. I would then "accidentally" smack Backstrom in the face with my stick with the score at 3-3 before tearing off the Wild jersey to reveal a Leafs one underneath and scoring on him. I'm such a heel.

What I’d Do With the Stanley Cup After Our Victory: Tour Columbus with it, mocking them because it's the closest they'll get to one. I'm still such a heel.

Would the Media Love Me or Hate Me? Everyone would hate me, I would make it my mission.

(Thanks for this go to E of A Theory of Ice. Don't worry, the entire quiz was decontaminated and unhabbed first to get rid of the French-Canadian influence - http://theoryofice.blogspot.com/)

Erik.